You Are....

     

Society makes you think things about yourself that are impossible. Society only looks at what is on the outside. It sees your skin color, hair color, height, weight, and clothes you wear. Instantly you are put into a category according to what they see. That right there is the problem, it's only according to what they see. Before anyone ever speaks a word, before they even ask any questions, or try to get to know you, they see you and judge the outside directly.

Photo by: Ian Keel a super bomb guy

     What society doesn't realize is, there is a multiple layers to a person. There are more colors to a person than just their skin. Underneath the outside shell there is ambition, desire, and love. But society would not know because they don't even care to talk to you if you look just a little unusual.

    So I am here to say, you are not your age, or  the size of the clothes you wear, You are not your weight, or the color of your hair. You are not your name, or the dimples in your cheeks. You are all the books you read, and all the words your speak. You are your croaky morning voice, and the smiles you try to hide, you are the sweetness in your laughter, and every tear you have cried. You are the songs you sing so loudly when you know you are all alone, and the places you have been to, especially home. You are the things you believe in, and the people that you love. You are the bright memories you create and the future you dream of. You are made of so much beauty that you have seem to forgot when you decided that you were defined, by society. You have beauty that society will never see, because they are too cowardly to go beyond just what they see. They do not have the mental capacity to handle such an stunning human being.  

     

Live For Today

     Happiness: a state of well-being and contentment. When you think all things are lost, and things aren't going as planned, all it takes is those people who have loved you from the beginning to turn things around.
     As life goes on and we get distracted by things that won't matter at the end of the day, we loose sight if the things that do matter. You don't feel it until you wake up from being distracted, it slowly slips away from you, and slowly takes the pieces that mattered. You think you are happy with the distractions, but they are just that, distractions. You loose yourself in them. It's like you are acting in this grand play, your not yourself. But, you always wake up, eventually!
     You can't rely on anything else for your own happiness. Only you can be responsible for that. Accept who your are, completely, the good and the bad. Make the changes you need in your life to make YOU happy, don't accommodate your choices for someone else. I don't want you to forget who you really are, behind those distractions. I'm not talking about your so called real name. All names are made up by someone else, even the one your parents gave you. You are the only one who knows who you really are. When you're alone at night, looking up at the stars, or maybe lying in your bed in total darkness, you know that nameless person inside you, don't forget who that is, no matter how many distractions are in your life. Your happiness is what matters the most, not your best friends, or the girl next to you in class. Don't live a life full of "what if"'s and "if I", don't regret turning down those opportunities that were given to you.
     One day your life will flash before your eyes, make sure it's worth watching. The people that have loved you from the beginning are the most important people to love with all your heart. They give me happiness I have lost in my distractions. Live for today, because yesterday is gone and tomorrow is never promised. 

Even I Am Lost In Society

     It's easy to feel uncared for the people aren't able to communicate and connect with you in the way you need. And it's hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection on your worth to everyone. But the truth is that the way other people operate is not all about you. Most people are so caught up in their own responsibilities, struggles, and anxiety that the thought of asking someone else how they are doing doesn't even cross their mind. That doesn't make them naturally bad or uncaring, they are just busy and self focused. And that's okay.
     It's not a sign that you failed on your part. It doesn't make you unloveable or invisible. It just means those people aren't very good at looking beyond their own world. But the fact that you are, that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others, is a strength. Your work isn't to change who you are. It is to find people who are able to give you the connection you need. Because despite what you feel, you're not too much, you are not too sensitive or too needy. You are thoughtful and empathetic. You are compassionate and kind. And with or without anyone's acknowledgment or affection you are enough.
     When I was younger I believed in that, and that alone. As I grew up and I hear people talking about me and saw people making fun of me, I conformed to the rules of society. I guess you could say that even I got lost in society. I loved everything I stood for back then, I was myself and myself only. I did what I wanted and what I felt would bring me happiness, and I was happy. I shared my happiness and loved everyone. I was truly a free spirit then. I wish I stayed that way.
     As I am writing this, I realize that I am still lost in society, I never got out. I want that again. I want to not care what anyone would say about me,  I want to do what makes me happy despite what the rules of society say. I lost my path so long ago and I still haven't found my way. It's easy to get caught up in society and their rules, but it's hard to go backwards after that. If only 8 year old me could come to the future and tell me how to do it! I took what I was feeling when I was little and I turned it into sunshine to brighten other people's day, so they didn't have to feel the way I did. I never realized what I did with myself until today, writing this. I felt like I was enough for people back then, why can't I feel that today?

O Me! O Life!

Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,

Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,

Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)

Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,

Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,

Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,

The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

                                       Answer.

That you are here—that life exists and identity,

That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

-Walt Witman

Grief and Gratitude

   

      Life never stopped, no matter what happened life never stopped, it forced me to move on and fight when all I wanted to do is give up and fall. Life never stopped and it never allowed me to stop and that fills me with both grief and gratitude.

     One day I decided that I was beautiful, and so I carried out my life as if I was a beautiful girl. I wear colors I really like, I wear makeup that makes me feel pretty, and it really helps. It doesn't have anything to do with how the world perceives you. What matters is what you see. Your body is your temple, it's your home, and you must decorate it.

More Than A Lady In Bed

     In my language class we had to write two stanzas in the style Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Raven. We had to have a certain rhyme scheme, certain syllables in each line and rhyme certain words, but we could write about anything we wanted to. I chose my mom.

     Once upon a midnight dreary, diapered filled air and feeling leery,
Doctors, nurses working hard and mother laying in the bed,
Wanting more than just an update, still I sat there hard to relate,
Feeling like a hospital inmate, cancer is what we dread,
Daughter who sit wishing for more than just what the doctors dread,
More than a lady in bed.
     My feelings are cluttered, my brain feels like mush, as nurses flutter,
Family waiting, friends scared, all confused as she lay in bed,
She is still strong, I admire this woman because she is headstrong,
Everyone longs to see her out of that disgusting sick bed,
Positivity has drugged her head, She is  the woman I most admire
More than a lady in bed