Even I Am Lost In Society

     It's easy to feel uncared for the people aren't able to communicate and connect with you in the way you need. And it's hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection on your worth to everyone. But the truth is that the way other people operate is not all about you. Most people are so caught up in their own responsibilities, struggles, and anxiety that the thought of asking someone else how they are doing doesn't even cross their mind. That doesn't make them naturally bad or uncaring, they are just busy and self focused. And that's okay.
     It's not a sign that you failed on your part. It doesn't make you unloveable or invisible. It just means those people aren't very good at looking beyond their own world. But the fact that you are, that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others, is a strength. Your work isn't to change who you are. It is to find people who are able to give you the connection you need. Because despite what you feel, you're not too much, you are not too sensitive or too needy. You are thoughtful and empathetic. You are compassionate and kind. And with or without anyone's acknowledgment or affection you are enough.
     When I was younger I believed in that, and that alone. As I grew up and I hear people talking about me and saw people making fun of me, I conformed to the rules of society. I guess you could say that even I got lost in society. I loved everything I stood for back then, I was myself and myself only. I did what I wanted and what I felt would bring me happiness, and I was happy. I shared my happiness and loved everyone. I was truly a free spirit then. I wish I stayed that way.
     As I am writing this, I realize that I am still lost in society, I never got out. I want that again. I want to not care what anyone would say about me,  I want to do what makes me happy despite what the rules of society say. I lost my path so long ago and I still haven't found my way. It's easy to get caught up in society and their rules, but it's hard to go backwards after that. If only 8 year old me could come to the future and tell me how to do it! I took what I was feeling when I was little and I turned it into sunshine to brighten other people's day, so they didn't have to feel the way I did. I never realized what I did with myself until today, writing this. I felt like I was enough for people back then, why can't I feel that today?

O Me! O Life!

Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,

Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,

Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)

Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,

Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,

Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,

The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

                                       Answer.

That you are here—that life exists and identity,

That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

-Walt Witman