Little Something To Take The Edge Off

     Ever since we were little kids we were asked who do you want to be when you grow up. We were forced to imagine our future and tell everyone what we thought. But the truth is we never finish creating ourselves. Every endeavor, adventure, challenge and connection we experience over the course of our life weaves another thread into the tapestry of who we are. 

     You are a masterpiece in progress.

     Don't live in fear or uncertainty. 

     Live boldly, a life where every decision you make is made with the intention of bettering yourself and expanding your perspective in some way. Challenge yourself, take risks, step out of your comfort zone.

     Remember that no matter what milestone you reach in life, you are never a finished project. The growing doesn't stop because you reached adulthood, have a career or found your life long partner. Be daring and don't look back. 

     Live with a hungry heart and curiousness can not be crushed. Expand your horizons and watch yourself grow. Love yourself before you love anyone else. Know your worth and honor it.

     Your flaws do not define you, they are just paths you haven't explored yet. 

     Remember in the pursuit of happiness, not the seizing of it. The whole had happy life means routinely finding new things to chase and become. It is to look at this world with opens eyes and see how much there is to live for.

This To Shall Pass

To be completely honest, sometimes life just sucks.

     Sometimes we don't know if we can make it through. Sometimes we don't know where we are headed or the "why" behind our circumstances. Sometimes our hearts break. Sometimes we lose people we love and our worlds are left in pieces. Sometimes we feel helpless. Sometimes we are scared. Sometimes we don't want to open our eyes when we hear that alarm clock in the morning.

     But today... I opened my eyes. I got out of bed and stepped into the wild, vicious world. Today I took a deep breath and believed I could make it through the day. And I am going to be honest, it was hard. Moving forward is hard. Growing up so fast at such a young age is hard. Being responsible for more than just myself is hard. Just being human is hard. Life is simply hard.

     My world stopped, and while I see the world continues to turn quite normally for everyone else, mine is entirely wrong. My pretty, pretty princess breakfasts are no longer a thing, the house feels empty, and instead of worrying about school, I'm worried about a death certificate or a lawyer. 

    One more struggle. One more loss. One more thing I have to carry on my shoulders. Life seems like a mess of puzzle pieces, without a picture, that doesn't seem to fit together. It is more than just "frustrating".

     

     Countless times I am reminded that I have so many people around me, that love and care about me, but it's hard not to feel alone.

     As each day passes it become less heart breaking and more bearable. And I know eventually I will be able to get through a day without tearing myself apart. I know this will pass and it all will be okay again. But that time has not come.

Sometimes life just sucks.

    

One In A Million

      My brain is filled with words to spill out into this post, but there will never be enough words in the world to describe how my heart aches at this moment in life. What once felt like a crazy dream is slowing becoming a painful reality. I miss my mom.
      Mom, you are my rock. You kept my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds. You pushed me to do things that I really did not want to do and loved me when I failed. You were the one who believed in me, to be bigger and better every single day. You are the greatest mom anyone could ask for. You did things I only wish I had the kindness and motivation to do myself. I envied the size of your patiences and heart. You are so strong, you fought so hard this past year, every moment you were thinking about Trey and I. Life gave you hell and you turned around and gave it right back to em. I just wanted you to know that I am so thankful for all the things you did for us and the sacrifices it took for us to be so fortunate.
       You taught me so much over theses 17 years, but it was much too short. In my eyes the biggest thing you have ever taught me, was to follow my dreams, no matter what life throws at me. I had some crazy ideas growing up and you always supported me 100 percent. We both became a little crazy, doing some very strange things. You always said I could accomplish anything with a positive attitude. I don't want to brag or anything but you raised some pretty wonderful children, well I don't know about Trey too much, but I turned out great!
      Mom, you were a one in a million! The most incredible mother, wife, sister, daughter, co-worker, and friend. Nobody deserved you but you still gave us all 100 percent love and affection. I will miss you every single day of my life, but you will always be with me, I know that. I stole your t-shirts and some

cute shoes I hope that is okay!

This Was Bonnaroo

It’s dark, you are tired and all you really want to do is go to sleep. But the butterflies in your stomach disagree. You pull up to what looks like the biggest traffic jam you have ever seen but there is no complaining. Having your car searched, filing into rows and rows of people and setting up a campsite is not ideal at two in the morning. The butterflies just keep growing, so complaining is nonexistent. After everything is ready to go for the week, I stood on the top of my truck and looked out over the acres of land, that was filled to the brim with people, and I couldn’t help but think, “Man, I made it.” As I was standing there, a howl grew from one section of campsites and spread to another and then another and soon the entire 530 acres were howling like savage wolves and that was when I thought “Wow, I really did make it.”

That was it, the start of what was to be the most religiously freeing week of my life. The 2 a.m. night adventures didn’t stop after I set up camp. I walked down the roughly paved road, my mind was racing with so much excitement. I came upon a road, kind of like a mini marketplace street with a band playing on a small stage. In that moment I was mesmerized. I felt like I belonged there, like there was no other place in the world I was suppose to be, at that moment and time.

When the blazing summer sun rose that morning,The gates haven’t even opened, yet there was so much more to explore before they did. I felt like a kid seeing their first playground, and it was my playground for the week. I sat under a large tree near the gates to escape the beating sun rays. The people passing by hypnotized me. Some traveled from hundreds of miles away, other a couple hours just to be here in Manchester, Tennessee. They all came here to this small town, each with unique stories to tell and passions to express. Some were painting the walls, some just relaxing until the gates open and others dancing the the beat of their own drum. That is what I truly loved about this place.

Everyone was their self. It wasn’t a society in which you had to worry about what people thought about you. It was normal to dare to be different. It was normal to wear whatever you wanted. Even the dirtiest, muddiest, sweatiest clothes were not looked down upon. If you believed in a certain religion, or if you were gay, lesbian, transgender, or if you did a weird morning exercise it was okay to express it. People didn’t give you sideways glances, they were interested. People wanted to learn about what your beliefs were, and why you do the things you do. It was normal to be yourself. It was a world I wish I could have lived in forever. People on the farm accept people for who they are inside, and they don’t judge by the outside. It’s how it should be all the time in the real world, not just for a week.

I was standing arms length away from the biggest stage on the farm. My butterflies were growing in my stomach again and I couldn’t hide my excitement. Then the lights came on, the music started playing and Macklemore and Ryan Lewis appear on the stage. It felt like a smile was just tattooed onto my face. In that very moment I felt alive. I felt like I could do anything I have ever wanted. I didn’t feel like I had any other responsibilities except be to there in that sea of wild people and listen to the art Macklemore and Ryan Lewis made for us. When I heard everyone singing the song with them, it felt like we were all the same person. Standing in total chaos, surrounded by thousands of people, I started crying, tears of pure joy and happiness, the world stood completely and utterly still. This was where my life changed forever. This was where I understood life a little more, people a little more and music a little more. This was where I was meant to be. This was Bonnaroo.

 

9 Things You Learn Growing Up In This Generation

     There is so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn't. There is a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn't need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, sit in a coffee shop on you own, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love, but do not romanticize life like you can't survived without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn't any less beautiful, I promise.

-Emery Allen

    

     You can survive life without a boyfriend , you can live an extraordinary life without a true love. You are worth it, don't let anyone diminish your radiant flame that could light up

the entire sky. You were not meant to be just beautiful, do not let anyone bind you to simplicities. You are a galaxy, an array of mysteries, you are not meant to be tied down to just "beautiful".

     And it is totally okay to make mistakes. You were not created to be perfect, you were created to live, and making mistakes is a part of that.

     When you just can't take it anymore, it is more than okay to have a break down at 3 in the morning with tears streaming dow your face wondering why you are here. You are feeling, and that is okay.

      And when you feel the lowest , you have to remember to keep loving people. Not everyone will love you back, but do not ever stop. Even when your heart begins to ache and your eyes begin to tell nothing more than white noise, do not give up. Love comes when we lease expect it.

     Never in your life romanticize ruining yourself foe someone else out of heart break.

     I understand how hard it is, but even it you just try, love yourself. Whether you are size 00 or size 20, male, female, or everything yet nothing in between, you are worthy of self love. 

     It is totally okay to question your sexuality, gender, or religion. You will not grow up loving boys and you will not grow up loving girls. You will not always pray to the same god, that everyone else does.

     When you do things that are out of the norm, you will be scared. It is okay to be afraid, we don't always understand what we feel or what we think and it is okay to be afraid of that. But never let fear control you.

     Live. We never know when the world will take us and you do not want to leave with regrets when it does. Kiss that person you like even if they don't kiss back. But they might, you won't know until you try. Get into some trouble, it's okay. You need to live because only then will you be happy.

Freshman Year-Memory Book

In English 12 we are required to make a memory book. Each week we write about a memory from a certain point in our lives and in the end we put it all together, with pictures to form a scrapbook. This week is freshman year, and I wanted to share this with everyone because it's very funny too look back on.

Freshman year is just a blur to me. It was so weird! So much happened I can’t even begin to tell you everything that really did happen. One thing that really made my freshman year memorable was when I shattered my ankle, broke my ribs, and when that happened it punctured my lung and collapsed it. I have never broken a bone before this day, it was a little scary! I had just gotten back from a trip with Emily’s family, my brother was fixing a four wheeler for his friend and he wanted to take it out. So of course yeah I go, probably the worse decision of my life. We only had one helmet so my brother lets me take it, that helmet was probably the only thing that saved my life.

The next thing I know I wake up in a cornfield and I can’t talk or move. My brother is a few yards away and he isn’t moving. I pull out my phone and call my mom, my dad, my neighbor, everyone I could think of that could help, but I really didn’t think to call 911. What is wrong with me? I finally get a hold of my mom and she comes to find us in this cornfield. By this time my brother was up and walking around, but his head was messed up, he was crazy. So I am freaking out. He is my big brother he is suppose to take care of  me, his little sister. That was the scariest thing to me. 

Finally, my mom finds us and we get into the car and drive to the Madison Hospital. My mom runs in for help and, I am not joking, a 90-year-old man comes out with a wheelchair. He was the slowest human being on earth. We get in after 100 years go by and they get us back, they take all these scans, then they tell us that they can’t treat us there. I am all looped up, from all the pain medicine they gave me but if I wasn’t I probably would have been thinking “Are you kidding me?”. I was transported from the Madison Hospital to the Huntsville Hospital, and the only thing I remember from the ambulance ride was “Wow this is awkward..”. I tried to make conversation, I asked them how they liked their job and how much fun it is, but they never answered me. Maybe I was so looped up I just thought I said it. 

Somehow I ended up in a big room with big lights and there were people running all around me, and next thing I knew they were yanking my boot off my broken ankle. Who in their right mind thinks that is a good idea? After they yank for what feels like forever, they suggest cutting them off. They should have just done that in the first place. I have my surgery the next day. I thought they were just going to put it back together, but I wake up with a halo on my ankle.  It is a huge metal contraption that was screwed into my shin and ankle, and you could see where they screwed it into. It was horrific. I had the halo for 10 days, those were the cruelest 10 days of my life. I could not twist or turn it for what felt like forever, it was so uncomfortable. I finally, towards the end of the 10 days, freaked out or had a panic attack because I could not move. My friend fell on it at one point. It felt worse than actually breaking my ankle. I had another surgery after that, to put seven pins and two plates in my foot. That was it. To think it all started with “Do you want to go on a quick ride?”. You want to know what happened to my brother? Just a mild concussion. That’s it.

Note To Self.

Note To Future Me:

You have twenty years behind you, but you still have your whole life ahead of you.

     Relax. You are also going to travel. You will go from one city to another, converse in multiple languages, explore countries and their sights. When you do, you are going to meet people who will deeply impact you. You are going to converse with people who are different from you, similar to you, people who you like or might not like. Hear their stories. What frightens them, what motivates them, what keeps them going. And you are going to find out that there is more to life than any of this.

     You will feel pain, sadness, and discomfort. But you will also feel alive, exuberant, and human. Sometimes you will screw up and make mistakes. You are going to fail, be misunderstood, and get dragged, feel like you will never get up. You are going to get tired. But you are also going to realize that it is okay to fail. You will be telling yourself to rest on days you lack motivation, feel the ugliest, or have the smallest hope, but you are going to acknowledge that giving up won't be your best option. You are most likely going to lose yourself in the process of trying to figure life out, but you are also going to find something worth living for. You are going to tear yourself into pieces going after what you want, and learn to love yourself for it.

     You are going to fall in love. One day. It could be a few years from now. Or maybe tomorrow. Next week. Or who knows when. Your heart is bound to be broken once or twice. But despite the inevitability, you are going to make yourself believe in love again. Because you are not as cold as ice as you would like to think. Your heart wants to love, it's what it does. You are a product of combined heartaches, growing wisdom, and rational hope. This is what makes you, you. So live to the fullest, you are still young!

     This is the journey you are supposed to be taking. Consider yourself the driver. The creator. You are twenty years old, so stop doubting yourself. Be you and don't look back.